HERA by Joseph Heller, ‘Portrait Of An Artist As An Old Man’
My husband is my brother.
Among
us gods that is not so unusual. But still doesn’t excuse him from the
way he acts and it doesn’t explain him. Everytime I turn away to take
care of something of my own he’s off after another woman. He turns
himself into a bull, an eagle, a swan, maybe even a snake, for all I
know, or a shower of gold. With Alcmene he simply turned himself into
the image of her husband for part of the evening. And because of that,
I have another rival to hate, and his son from that one too, Heracles,
Hercules to you, to try to get even with for the rest of his life.
I’m
a jealous god; just because I’m a chaste goddess don’t believe I’m not.
And I’ve kept really too busy much of the time taking revenge on all
these other rivals of mine he takes a fancy to and pounces on. He spies
one, rapes and impregnates her, then abandons her to bear and rear his
child. What is it with these men? First they want so many of us, and
once they have us, they value us so much lower. Even that so-upright
Apollo of ours is seized by that same fever every once in a while and
goes racing wildly and jealously after nymphs and dryads. Poor them.
And Ares does it with that sluttish Aphrodite just about every time her
husband looks away to get busy at his forge. There’ve been rumors about
Zeus and her doing it together at least one time long back. Unproven –
yes. Unfounded? Who knows? Certainly, Aphrodite gambols around about me
as though it could have happened. What could I do even if it’s true?
Not much. She is a goddess too. I couldn’t transform her into a cow, as
I did with Io, much as I’d like to, or a bear as I did with Callisto,
or hoodwink her into burning herself up, as I did with Semel when I
teased her into begging Zeus to appear to her in all his glory. You’d
think my husband, Zeus, would be much more careful once he found out
there’s a mystery woman somewhere destined to bear a son stronger than
his father.
If Zeus is ever the father it’s all over for him.
I have to wonder about him and all this sex, about all men, and to
wonder about me. I’m not bad looking. I’m beautiful in a stately and
dignified way; in fact, I’m Junoesque, if I say so myself. I do say so
myself. Although when dazzled by vanity once, I let myself contend and
lose out in the judgment of that Trojan prince Paris in the contest
against Aphrodite and Athena to see which of us he thought the fairest.
We offered bribes. I spoke into his ear and offered him greatness among
all men if he chose me. But that callipygous Aphrodite wantonly
displayed herself and the smooth shape of her buttocks in an immodest
turn with her arms raised and her breasts up and promised him the most
beautiful woman in the world for a wife if he picked her. I forget what
Athena offered. Guess who won.
I’ve nursed a spiteful hatred for
that Trojan prince Paris and everyone in the whole city ever since. Who
could blame me? And when the Greeks sailed off to make war there, I did
what I could to support them, while Aphrodite, that cunt, favored Troy.
I
don’t think I understand men. Why does Zeus need — want — other
women? I lie alone often now and try to picture things. How does Zeus
feel to them? Do they really mind, knowing it’s Zeus? Or are they
pleased to be ravished by him? I try to put myself in Leda’s place. It
could be kind of thrilling, I guess, being overpowered by a huge male
swan, especially after realizing it was Zeus. And Danae? I think I
might be flattered also if he ever came descending back on me in our
bedroom as a shower of gold. I’d like to see him take the trouble to
surprise me like that, even once. But that doesn’t happen. He won’t
waste tricks like that on me. He never does, he knows he doesn’t have
to. When he comes to me it’s never anything new, it’s always just the
same, always just the same old god.